I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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