you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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