i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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