i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm having to shit out rocks
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
