mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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