i think i have two assholes
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
