We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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