I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
