The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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