just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
