I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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