Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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