Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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