Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
