Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
