Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
