So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
