my mouth tastes like poor choices
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
