can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
