Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
