Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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