her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
