Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
