I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
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Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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