Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Acid is not a monday night drug
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
