Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
