we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
