I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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