I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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