she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
