You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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