You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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