Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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