I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
