My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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