i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
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You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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