This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
