Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
