two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.