I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️