It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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