I cannot find my penis.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
