Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
