I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
