Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
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