we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
