omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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