happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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