I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I need moral support for this bender
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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