just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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Also, beer. Big fan.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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