I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
