i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
