From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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