im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.